Internet Smiley Face Guide

By Philip P. Daniel


With the new invent of the internet, there are many new ways for people to communicate. You all have heard people talking around the water cooler about how they have met some person in Norway, or about a new “special friend” that they are going to meet at (or actually behind) the local McDonalds. These people are some of the first in the world to communicate over what scientists call “The World Wide Web” (abbreviated WWW). So if you want to be cool, and one of the first people on your block to “chat” or send hip and eye grabbing electronic mails, there are rules that you must follow.


  1. Sign up for an internet account. (we have a whole section on internet providers on this very site).
  2. You must come up with a screen name, or call sign. This is much like names truckers use to communicate with each other on the open road. Names like Mr. Big, Johnny Toe Sides, Long Haul, or Huge Load, are all used by our nations knights of the open road, much like the names that you will soon learn to see on the internet. But remember, just like the trucker’s code states, there can only be one person per name. There can never be two Frankie Eightwheels on the road, like there can never be two Captain_James_Kirk’s online.
  3. Like superheroes (like today’s modern internetophiles are) you would be wise to keep your true identity a secret, especially when chatting. You never know when you may run off the beaten path and wind up in an area of the web that you’ve never been before. Not all people on the internet are friendly. Some may even be lawyers, insurance salesmen or time share owners, so it is wise to keep your true name a secret.
  4. You must use proper procedure when writing internet encoded messages to other internetophiles. Make sure to always use proper abbreviations like: LOL (laugh out loud), GTG (got to go), CMP (crapped my pants), BJ4eva (Bon Jovi For Ever), and WWJD4AKB (what would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar).
  5. And the most important rule of the internet…you must always end your cool internet lingo in…a smiley :-)


Which brings us to the real purpose of this FAQ…what are smileys…and how can I use them to make the internet ten bajillion times more fun!


History of the smiley


Although the origins of the Smiley are a hotly debated issue among scientists today, many (like the great Dr. Professor H.G. Jerompsy whose book Smiley: The Next Evolution of Enlightenment won the Nobel Prize last year) believe that they can actually be traced back to the societies of early Egyptian culture, where ancient nerds of the sand expressed their amusement on tomb walls. Others believe that Smileys were actually brought back in time in a Back To the Future like device in order to enlighten our pidly society. Few actually believe that they were created by Scott Fahlman, in 1981, but many sites offer him as the father of the Smiley. One simply has to look at the intricacies behind the great designs to realize that only a much more advanced race, possibly one who either lived underwater or on the moon developed these modern masterpieces of communication.


Philip P. Daniel’s Guide to Smiley Identification


Located a Smiley in it’s natural habitat is a sometimes difficult and dangerous process. One must tread the sometimes wild roads of internet chat rooms to spot the Smiley. Below are a list of known Smileys that if you are lucky enough, you may come across one day.



            •             :-) Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over e-mail.


            •            ;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.


            •            :-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.


            •            :-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a `:-(' but not quite as good as a `:-)'.


            •            :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a `;-)'.


            •            >:-> User just made a really devilish remark.


            •            >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.


            •             (-: User is left handed.


            •            %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight.


            •            :*) User is drunk.


            •            [:] User is a robot.


            •            8-) User is wearing sunglasses.


            •            B:-) Sunglasses on head.


            •            ::-) User wears normal glasses.


            •            B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses.


            •            8:-) User is a little girl.


            •            :-)-8 User is a Big girl.


            •            :-{) User has a mustache.


            •            :-{} User wears lipstick.


            •            {:-) User wears a toupee.


            •            }:-( Toupee in an updraft.


            •            :-[ User is a vampire.


            •            :-E Bucktoothed vampire.


            •            :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing.


            •            :-7 User juust made a wry statement.


            •            :-* User just ate something sour.


            •            :-)~ User drools.


            •            :-~) User has a cold.


            •            :'-( User is crying.


            •            :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying.


            •            :-@ User is screaming.


            •            :-# User wears braces.


            •            :^) User has a broken nose.


            •            :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way.


            •            :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face.


            •            :<) User is from an Ivy League School.


            •            :-& User is tongue tied.


            •            =:-) User is a hosehead.


            •            -:-) User is a punk rocker.


            •            -:-( Real punk rockers don't smile.


            •            :=) User has two noses.


            •            +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office.


            •            `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning.


            •            ,:-) Same thing...other side.


            •            |-I User is asleep.


            •            |-O User is yawning/snoring.


            •            :-Q User is a smoker.


            •            :-? User smokes a pipe.


            •            O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)


            •            O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least).


            •            :-` User spitting out its chewing tobacco.


            •            :-S User just made an incoherent statement.


            •            :-D User is laughing (at you!)


            •            :-X User's lips are sealed.


            •            :-C User is really bummed.


            •            <|-) User is Chinese.


            •            <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes.


            •            :-/ User is skeptical.


            •            C=:-) User is a chef.


            •            @= User is pro-nuclear war.


            •            *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat.


            •            :-o Uh oh!


            •            (8-o It's Mr. Bill!


            •            *:o) And Bozo the Clown!


            •            3:] Pet smiley.


            •            3:[ Mean Pet smiley.


            •            d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.


            •            E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator.


            •            :-9 User is licking his/her lips.


            •            %-6 User is braindead.


            •            [:-) User is wearing a walkman.


            •            (:I User is an egghead.


            •            <:-I User is a dunce.


            •            K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie.


            •            @:-) User is wearing a turban.


            •            :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)


            •            :-: Mutant smiley; the invisible smiley.


            •            .-) User only has one eye.


            •            ,-) Ditto...but he's winking.


            •            X-( User just died.


            •            8 :-) User is a wizard.


            •            -=* :-) User is a TeX wizard.


            •            :) Midget smiley.


            •            :] Gleep...a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend.


            •            =) Variation on a theme...


            •            :} What should we call these? (what?)


            •            :) Happy.


            •            :> What?


            •            :@ What?


            •            :D Laughter.


            •            :I Hmmm...


            •            :( Sad.


            •            :[ Real Downer.


            •            :< What?


            •            :{ What?


            •            :O Yelling.


            •            :C What?


            •            :Q What?


            •            :,( Crying.


            •            [] Hugs and ...


            •            :* Kisses.


            •            |I Asleep.


            •            ^o Snoring.



 Mega Smileys


            •             C=}>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin.


            •            }:^#}) Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin.


            •            ~~:-( Net.flame


            •            O |-) Net.religion


            •            8 :-I Net.unix-wizards


            •            X-( Net.suicide


            •            E-:-I Net.ham-radio


            •             :-) ha ha


            •            |-) hee hee


            •            |-D ho ho


            •            :->   hey hey


            •            :-( boo hoo


            •            :-I hmmm


            •            :-O oops


            •            :-P nyahhhh!

So now that you know all there is to know about the intense world of smiley faces, feel free to go out there and start using your newfound enlightenment to place some fellow internetophiles in fits of hysteria. Just remember that there is a time and place for smiley faces and in professional places they may not be entirely appropriate...wait what am I saying, smiley faces should be used at the end of every sentence, even to your boss, CEO, president of your Star Trek Cosplay club :_). In fact, I am going to go back and amend this entire document to include smileys instead of punctuation! Yehawww :D. :O  E-:-)